Homemaking 4 His Glory

The Price of "Paying" Attention To our Children

“The more attention you pay your child, the less attention your child will pay to you.” John Rosemond

I read this words recently in a book. And I thought for a second~ that can’t be right~ Children NEED our attention. Then I thought about where my children were at that moment while I was reading a book. One was upstairs watching a video. The two littlest ones were in the playroom playing house with dolls and their kitchen set. The boys were playing a game together. None of them had my attention at the moment~ and I had no plans to spend time with them till snacktime in 20 minutes. This statement was true. I had just heard so often how we must “PAY” attention to our children. That I couldn’t see the real meaning.

When parents spend all day watching their children.. the children expect to be watched.. and learn that they must have attention all day. And they whine, cry, misbehave etc to keep the attention on them. Giving our children a schedule, chores, rules and time with us~ has kept this in balance. We have a family meeting every morning. We have family time every night. We meet at the table 6 times a day for meals and snacks. We do not pay attention to our child all day long, every second and if you do.. I believe you will pay the price of having children that require, as well as demand your attention and that will NOT pay attention to YOU without great efforts on your part.

Our children know what is expected.. but when I am not teaching then, baking with them, cleaning with them etc.. they have freetime and freedom to go anywhere on the property as long as when I call they come. When there is an issue they lose freedom and have to stay where I can hear them.. if again there is a problem they have to stay where I can see them.. if again there is a problem they have to stay where I can touch them.. if there is a problem again they sit on my lap...

I can't remember a time where it has gone beyond stay where I can hear you. They are busy ~ playing, creating, reading etc. I don't hover over them.. I do stay aware. I do know them.. study them. I do spend time with them.

When I call them.. they know I have something to share with them.. maybe a game, or a task, or a new skill, maybe a video I think they might enjoy etc. They look forward to my call, they know the hours of family time.. and we enjoy one another and learn together. There is nurturing, caring and many discussions. When we have to discipline it is swift and often retraining is involved. But they are brief moment and peace is restored. The know I am here and present and for most children that is security. When they need my attention they invite me to an activity with them. I don’t have to “pay” attention, I can enjoy relationships and experiences.

Quote is from The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children by John Rosemond.  I do not agree with everything he writes.. but he has some great points.  As always, hold everything up to the light of scripture.

A life changing book ~Early To Rise By Andy Traub

My husband has worked shiftwork the first 18 years of our marriage. I was determined that we would spend the most amount of time together as a family no matter what his work schedule was. So we always worked our schedule around his. I eventually started sleeping from 2AM to 8AM about ten years ago. And it worked on both of his schedules 6AM - 6PM or his 6PM to 6AM. My children mostly slept from 11-9. I would get up at 8 and have an hour before they awoke to have Bible Study, get dressed etc.

Every now and then I’d read a verse about rising early.. Or a book that suggested waking up early.. Sometimes even an article on successful people and how they were up early.. And I’d think yeah I should get up earlier.. Of course that would require I go to bed earlier.. And I was used to 2Am.. I would get a decent amount done in the late nights.

Then my husband’s schedule changed.. And I’d try to change my schedule and get up earlier. And I’d fail. So, a few months ago I bought Early to Rise by Andy Traub. And It has this great feature where you can listen to the audio… He will send you an email everyday. The book has a page to read everyday. It is very doable. Andy has done everything he can do help you, short of coming to stay at your house for a month. And so I thought yeah someday, I should do this. We are moving across country a lot is already changing why would I want to do that now?

Then the beginning of June I decided I was going to do it. I am a woman.. Sometimes we just change our minds I have heard. I haven’t set an alarm since 1995 and yet here I was setting an alarm. I decided I would go to bed at 11PM and wake up at 5AM. The book is much gentler he suggests just waking up an hour earlier than your normal time. I am an all or nothing girl so just took the plunge. So I went to bed at 2.. Got up at 5.. And I was ready to go to bed at 11PM.

Here is the amazing part I am on day 29 of this 30 day challenge. My phone wasn’t charged last night so I had no alarm but I was up at 5AM. Yes, it helped that I was already trained to sleep 6 hours. And it helped that I don’t usually use an alarm but it was still amazing. I am an Early Riser!

The Bible is the book that has changed my life the most. I have read books that gave me a new idea or changed my lifestyle. This book changed my sleeping habits and how I use my time. Bible Study, reading and writing so far is what my morning looks like. I hope to add exercise. My children are up by 7 most days, and in bed by 9. Our home has changed in many ways because I am up at 5.

I bought the softcover book using my Amazon Prime account and the kindle version came free with the KindleMatch program. I also bought the Early to Rise for Moms but I haven’t enjoyed it as much.. I think because it has many different authors.. It does contain more than 30 days ~ and is written by moms who took the challenge. So it is a worthy companion book. Andy Traub’s Early to Rise is life changing~ he will teach you to ship, introduce you to Fred and encourage you to live a better than average life. We all want a few more hours in our day ~ and here they are ~ just wake up and use them wisely.

Child Centered or Christ Centered the Choice is Yours

     “My children are the most important thing to me.” People say this everywhere, all the time. And it makes me want to scream. Children are blessings.. They are not things. The relationship with our children, the success of our children, our children’s salvation, the character of our children these are all important things to me.

Children have folly in their hearts. The are the best kind of fools. The are growing and seeking and learning… they will outgrow their foolishness. If we lead them, parent them, mentor them, pray for them, teach them, guide them, instill good habits and live with wisdom before them. All to often I see families where the children lead the home. They decide the schedule, they decide the diet of the home, they decide the shopping habits, they control the relationships, especially the marital relationship, they are tyrants. This is America we do not like tyrants as leaders… or so we claim.

 

Yet, I see it all the time out in public. The smallest member of the family, who is often the loudest, making decisions for the whole family. “I want this!” and “this” is purchased. And there is no thought of if it was a wise purchase.. It just makes the awful sound from the tyrant stop. “Can’t we go to McDonalds?” “I want this chocolate cereal with marshmallows and chemicals and lots of sugar THIS ONE with the picture of my favorite character from the magic box in the living room” These foolish little creatures don’t know what is healthy, they are being convinced by marketers that they NEED those foods and they get YOUR hard earned MONEY by using these little tyrants.

 

They need to be involved in activities. So we drive them, pay for lessons, buy the needed supplies, buy pictures and gifts and tickets for recitals and championships etc. They need quality time so we make time for them in our routines. The have to get their homework done so we spend our evening family time doing homework with them. They need a good breakfast and sleep so we let them sleep in as long as they can and then shove a pop tart in their hand. They must socialize so they are driven to friends houses for sleepovers on the weekend. We spend our time making the tyrants happy. We fulfill their needs. We don’t consider what they really need. Family time, skills for living, responsibilities, fellowship, practice of skills they have chosen to develop, time to be creative, time outside in nature, time to play and grow, time to read and write. We entertain them, push them, remind them again and again, do things for them they should do for themselves and then question why they are lazy, not grateful and have high expectations of their needs being met.

 

The nucleus of a cell determines if the cell will be healthy or not. A Christ centered home will produce the healthiest family unit. Christ is not a tyrant. Christ served and sacrificed, taught wisdom and lived His life to obey His Heavenly Father. If we want healthy families… we need to check our nucleus. Is it a tyranical fool or a loving Savior. Is our nucleus leading to proper functions or slowly killing itself? The nucleus determines the health of the whole cell. Is your family healthy or a place of stress, power struggles, confusion and pain?

 

Looking at what is at the center of your home is the key to change. Who is controlling the time, the money, the atmosphere? Whose needs are being met ~ are they real needs or simply wants? Parenting requires maturity. It requires choosing what is best. Children are blessings if we train them, when we teach them, when we keep them in the proper place within the home. Children will cause the most amount of stress when they are the center of the home. When you see a stressed mother. You will know she serves a tyrant. When you see a blessed mother you will know she is serving a benevolent ruler.

 

Society will tell you parenting is hard, children are difficult, we are supposed to be stressed ~ we are parents. I don’t see that in the Bible. I see children are blessings, teach them, remember God with them, show them wisdom, disciple them, be blessed through them in your old age. Stressful children does not seem like a biblical idea to me. We have accepted a worldview that is not based on the Bible when we expect stress from our children.

 

So what about my home? What do I do when things are stressful in my home. I know that sometimes life’s situations are stressful. When things continue to be stressful I look for the foolishness I have let slide, usually to please a little tyrant. Yes it happens in my home. I decide not to get up and handle a situation, not to give a consequence and slowly the cell is taken over. Place Christ at the center of your home. There is immediate clarity in what is acceptable. There is a wonderful book for children called if Jesus Came to My House.. What if Jesus came to your house? Would He be comfortable there? Would He see a healthy family? Would He recognize His teachings in the family government? Would your children serve Him or expect Him to serve them?

My Marriage Comes First and Yours Should Too!

If you are married, your marriage must be the most important relationship in the home. BUT I have Children. But one of my children is special needs. But my children are children and my husband is an adult they need me more. I am sure you can come up with more Buts… because we don’t like that sentence. Your MARRIAGE is the MOST Important relationship in the home.

Your children need security. Their number once source of security is a strong relationship between their parents. It is one of the reasons that being married before you have children is a part of God’s plans. There is a primary relationship that nurtures the children.

Certainly you must take care of your children’s physical needs and nurture relationships with them. But more important is that you nurture your marriage. That your husband and you have good communication, that there is a strong bond that continues to be strengthened and that there is no doubt of the permanence of your wedding vows.

Children who know they are in a family where there is little to no chance of divorce will have less stress, better examples of what marriage and good communication look like, a better sense of their place in the family, will be less self-centered and have more confidence.

Husbands who know their wives put their relationship first will feel more respected and loved. A child centered home strains a marriage relationship in so many ways. A man who knows he is still special and has not been replaced will be a better husband and father. He will be more confident in his role within the home.

I know it is easy to get swept up in the children’s first model we often see in society. We often hear “My children come first!” God didn’t make children first. He made a man first and gave him a wife. Then He blessed them with children.